sorry i'm responding this late sweety
if i could have been here earlier i would have but i hadn't
been online for a few days to check stuff

i am not quite sure what to tell you to alleviate your constant concern
your pain
without feeling like a complete hypocrite because i haven't ever
been cursed with real-and-all-out-depression
but believe me when i tell you that doesn't mean i can't understand
as you might know from our chats from the past

i can't tell you you will be fine and this will disappear
because i don't know that.....and it has been told to you before
and it must fell like the BS it truly is by now
but i can tell you this
life is worth fighting for....and your parents are
as proud of you as any would be
they love you...for who you are....the good and the bad and no one in
this world isn't born without a clink in their armor...a defect.....a flaw
i can tell you....that I......am no different
my emotions are dangerous...to say the least....one time i was so spitting
mad with pure rage...complete fury...that i almost hit my mom
it scared the crap out of me
knowing how far i could loose control like that.....i had just enough left
to just make a hole in our wall instead
she forgave me..she's my mother
and yours
yous i bet.....loves you just the same
and what do i do with all the flaws i posses?? i fight them
i fight then everyday out of pure stubbornness and will that what makes
me weak cannot and will not define who i am!!!!! because they don't
make me......they're not me....so they should not have a hold on me
and this is how you should see it as

you want to be a functional human being? i know you do
and i know you have been fighting for the longest time....but is there
any other choice?
for the love of all that is good my friend...if you want it as bad as i know you
do you must keep fighting
because the universe didn't let us exist to be cowards so look
what is immediately at you present! not your future
at least not yet
and not for torment to questions with answers that you will never know the answer to, for there is no point
and god cannot fight the battle for you

if you hate it so much...then rebel....rebel against it
give yourself a mental slap and pull yourself together darling
for as much as i would love to be in you to fight this battle for you
or along side you
i simply cannot....
and nobody can do this but you because sadly life doesn't work this way
and i KNOW you want this.....peace at least
and i don't mean death...that's not peace...and i say it out bluntly to you
that it's a cowards choice
and your no coward, so kick yourself up and fight for what you want
for pity to this depression will never lead you anywhere

you know i tell you everything with all the honesty i posses in me
and i've never flowered my thoughts when it comes to conflicts such as this
to make myself appeal to everyone or make myself look good
no
i tell it how it is...and how i see it......crude and naked truth and logic
who wants to hear BS about how life is pink with red roses and rainbows?
so it is in my hopes that i was not too harsh with my words
for insulting was never the intention

That's the you i know!!! and that's the one i want to see
for like i said.....don't let this...thing....which is nothing of you
but has only leached into you.......influence who you really are

I'm sure there's missteps taken at times
but well we aren't perfect and with the more passing of time
you'll make this your bitch darling
i know there could be hiccups now and then
but the important thing is that if and when you trip
that you have the ability in you to pick yourself up,maybe slap yourself mentally a few times, dust yourself down
and continue walking ahead
that's the moment when you should feel victorious M o i
maybe it's this very moment right now.......only you can say
that's when you show that even when you might fall, you will never stay down

I understand
I mean it would be tough for anyone
i can't fathom what it would be like for me if i couldn't sleep
for that long,
i swear that every time i get so tired, i have to sleep....or i pass out somewhere, there's like no choice

i think that it might be the pill cocktail, its hard to
tell.....there could be a variety of things that could affect it
i actually quite dislike taking medicine for things.....except
for like every month girl stuff, cause then i can't
properly function for the next 3 days because i'm being torn apart inside
like in a horror movie
the joys of womenhood...>>

on another topic!!!!!!
i've been judge into the next round for governor school (art school)
so from local---->state and the state----> to win
so i'm halfway there!!!! and i was soooooooooo happy i made it
i was freaking out when the letter came
idk if i told in this thread what this contest was about
but it's basically for a chance to win a month with top artisits
in a college experience, with professor and the whole deal
only a few can get in
and if or when i do.........it looks incredible in your record
i almost couldn't believe it,
and now i'm working my buttox off to
create new things to show that would blow the pants off of the judges, and i'm halfway through that too..i have at least 6 amazing works
done in the past 2 months....THATS MY BEST EFFORT EVER XD
that's the most i've worked my ass off to do since i've done art