I'm usually a quiet person. Teachers liked me because I was always quiet. I used to be a good singer. Right now I don't even sing properly, even when I'm alone, because I fear someone may hear me. Speaking loudly is something I can't do consciously. I'm too scared to speak in order to be heard. My teacher in uni made me feel humiliated only because of that, even though she meant to just teach me to speak loudly. But I couldn't and instead I cried in front of the whole class, just because the teacher kept pretending she can't hear me to motivate me to speak louder and my throat just closed and I couldn't even utter a sound, so I just burst out into tears.
I can speak loudly only when I'm influenced by strong emotions, like anger. If bf and I start having an argument, one second I think I speak normally, the next he's telling me I yell. But for me it only means I feel comfortable enough with him to yell in his presence. He doesn't appreciate it. So it only makes my phobia stronger. I don't think he realizes that. I haven't told him, because I know he'll feel bad.
The other reason for me gradually speaking louder to the point of yelling is probably my mom, I grew up on her instant yelling mode. She can go from speaking to yelling in no time. (Though recently I noticed she's just very loud in general... It's embarrassing when she shows us some photos on her phone, we sit on both of her sides and suddenly she starts horse laughing like a fucking maniac, straight into our ears... it hurts mom, stfu
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I hate loud people, they annoy me. Can't you be quiet?
Bf and I went to a Chinese diner not too long ago. Two guys were literally yelling to each other over their table. And cursing as well. Not that I don't curse, but dog damn it, I wanted to just stab both of them to death to make them shut up x.x
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