It is really stressing me out that it's completely on my shoulders to get money coming in.
There. I said it.
Freelancing was YOUR idea. Web Dev was YOUR idea. I have NO IDEA what I'm doing. I went from never touching anything related to comp sci in my LIFE to having to do it for a living, all in a few months. I am grinding my ASS off. I have NO IDEA what I'm doing. I have NO IDEA how to build this. I have NO IDEA how to freelance. I have NO IDEA how to get gigs. And it'll be MONTHS before you're at the point where you can start getting contracts. And then you're just going to glide on all of my hard work and research since I can just show you how to do it, and what the best sites are, and how to format bids, and etc etc.
I'm bitter. I never wanted this. I don't even like web dev. I'm a forest ecologist with a passion for environmental science. I love trees and critters and travel, not staying cooped up inside all day working on a blinding computer under fluorescent lights. I never wanted this for myself. I dictated my entire life so that I never had to do this.
I don't work well with self-employment. My mental illnesses make setting goals and meeting them REALLY DIFFICULT without an external force. This is too much pressure.
But it doesn't matter. Because we'll run out of money before you can get contracts. And you're still wasting time on a course that we paid for that you later decided you wanted to do as a passion project, but never do for work.
I'm stressed. I'm sick. I'm emotionally unwell. And I can't focus on ME, or MY PASSIONS, or getting BETTER, because all of my energy goes to making sure we have enough money to live.
And then you get mad at me for not doing all of the reading you assign to me every day? Oh, I have to learn about stock markets, and budgets, and lifestyle changes. But don't forget that you have to completely relearn all of math from its conception! Why the hell aren't you at least at a Bachelors level in Ethics and Philosophy? I won't have a woman who can't challenge me intellectually. Why don't you know as much chemistry as me, even though I majored in it in uni and you didn't? Why don't you know everything about history? From every time period and civilization? Why don't you know politics? And current events? And economic models and theories? And space sciences? Why don't you recognize the names of all of these actors, and comedians, and past politicians, and historical figures, and the eight thousand people I've met in my lifetime that I have mentioned briefly in passing?
Why aren't you working towards your passions? Recovering all of the things you have lost due to your memory loss, so that you can pursue your Masters and PhD? I can't be with someone who isn't driven.
Why aren't you focusing on your workouts anymore? If you can't keep up, I'll leave you behind.
I understand you have social anxiety, but it I'm not surrounded by lots of different people 24/7 I go crazy. Can't you see the damage it's caused us being just us this past year?
I can't take dealing with your emotional bullshit anymore. Get better already. That's top priority. Fix you. Everything else can wait.
But it can't wait, can it? Because EVERYTHING I've listed is top priority. Everything needs to have been done yesterday. It's unacceptable that it isn't already done yet.
And then you turn to me and say "I can't believe you. If you did everything I asked of you it'd only take like 3 hours a day. You just don't care."
Don't care. Don't CARE??? I am sacrificing EVERYTHING that I have EVER wanted to make OUR lifestyle fit YOUR desires.
Yes, C. Because I can TOTALLY do it in 3 hours, when I'm ALREADY going too slow for your liking in web dev, alone, and I spent OVER EIGHT HOURS A DAY on it.
Totally. This is all my fault. Your expectations are completely reasonable. I am just failing to live up to them. My bad.
I'm so sick of this.
I want this to work. I want US to work. I love you. I can't imagine my life without your smiling face in it every day. But I am working on cutting out toxic relationships from my life. And I'm starting to wonder if you're not good for my mental health...
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