Fire
Joined: May 31st, '09, 14:54
Posts: 5532
Hugs: 107974
Mood: O-sakura in Osaka! <3 <3 <3
Location: Wherever the wind takes me...
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Spoiler Last night, the stars called me home again.
I've always had hallucinations. When I was a kid, I thought they were just imaginary friends. But they never went away. And as I got older, I learned that if I talked about them to others, people thought I was crazy, and drowned me in pills until I couldn't feel anymore. And the pills just brought on more side effects that required more pills. I finally got off them last year. I went cold turkey without telling anyone. I have never regretted that decision.
But these hallucinations are my friends. They've been with me for years. They're there when no one else is.
Some of the strongest are like my second family. There's Alex, and Ivan, and Nikkolai. And Cassandra. And there's Victor, and Fabio and Andrea and Sebastian. And Katie, and Sam and Tera. And they're all like a big family to me.
I fell in love with Alex years ago. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever stop loving him.
When I first started dating my fiance, I felt guilty daydreaming about him, because it felt like I was cheating on him. They've always been so real to me. I hear their voices throughout the day, giving me advice and making snarky commentary about the world around me. I can see their faces, I can feel their touch. I was devastated when I lost them for a little while when I was mentally unwell. They are family to me. I could never leave them.
My fiance reminds me so much of Alex it scares me. All the good, and all the bad. These aren't fairy tale characters - they are real people, with faults and problems of their own. And my fiance is just like him. Both the good and the bad. He talks like him, acts like him, sometimes he even sounds like him. And as he's been working out more and growing out his hair, he's starting to look like him. It scares me so much, because I can see Alex, I can feel him, just like I can see and feel my fiance. If one isn't real, what if they both aren't real, and I've just been imagining all of this the entire time?
When I say things like that, my fiance always laughs. He doesn't know that I'm not joking.
Alex has a little girl named Katie. I've watched her grow up. I've been there for every scraped knee, every messy birthday cake, every cardboard box she made into a spaceship to fly the moon. I rocked her to sleep, I sang to her when she had nightmares, I read her bedtime stories. She makes me mothers day cards and sloppy pancakes every year. And she's more and more like me ever day. Or, who I was as a kid, before all of the mental disorders started popping up. Sassy and snarky and sharp as a tack, with boundless energy and endless curiosity, fearless, invincible, and won't take no lip from no one. She's 10 now, and I can't believe how much she's grown. She's the child I always wanted, and will never have. My fiance doesn't want kids. And I can't bear losing him.
Yesterday the stars called me home.
But it wasn't the cold, silvery voices singing softly in the moonlight, drawing me to past the shimmering shores to the cold depths below.
It was Katie's voice. She called me mommy. She asked me to come home. She said that she missed me.
They were all there, welcoming me with open arms, welcoming me home.
I wanted to go so badly. I started to slip under. I just want to go home. I just want to be at peace.
But I don't want to die. Not yet. There are still things I must do.
Soon, I told her. But not yet. There's still much I must do here.
She got angry. And everything turned to fire and pain and screaming.
I sat in bed alone, silently sobbing for an hour, before I found the strength to crawl onto the couch with my fiance.
They were my only safe place. And they have abandoned me.
I told him that the stars had called me home, and that I had almost slipped under, but nothing more. He knows what that means. He held me, he tickled and kissed and licked me until I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe, then he made me some of my favorite food and talked with me for three hours, before he tucked me in to bed.
I woke up this morning to a nightmare. My fiance and I had gotten into another fight, and he had left me. We've had a lot of fights recently, and he keeps wanting to take a break, but I keep telling him that if we do that I won't be here when he gets back. He thinks I'm manipulating him into staying. I'm just being honest. I can't wait around forever for someone who may never come back. Besides, I don't think I'll be here when he gets back. He's the only thing stopping me for letting the waves wash over me. And he knows that. It's not fair on him, but there's nothing I can do. I have been waiting for permission to kill myself for the past decade. I just want to go to sleep. I just want to go home.
But there are still things I must do. So I must wait, and keep moving forward, and hope someday soon I will be allowed to rest.
I sobbed for an hour silently in bed before I got up. And I have spent the entire day crying alone.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I know it's just another depressive episode. I know the fact that my period is late again isn't helping. I know it's not real. But that doesn't make it hurt any less.
My fiance is getting tired of dealing with me. One week, my depression is flaring. Another it's my anxiety. Another the seizures are back. Another it's the nightmares. Or the sleep paralysis. Or my insomnia. Or my back is spasming again. Or my knees aren't working again and I'm a cripple. Or my migraines are back. Or it's the panic attacks. Or the hallucinations. Or my PTSD flashbacks. Or my temporary amnesia. Or my temporary hearing loss. Or whatever this MPD/DID thing is. And on the off chance that I am feeling okay, I'll catch a cold and run a fever. Or I'll be on my period and my anemia will act up. Every week it's something different.
And I see it as me fighting, and winning, a hard battle every week. But he sees it as him having to constantly take care of me and deal with my bullshit every single day. It's draining on both of us.
And there are other things straining our relationship. His expectations of me - he wants me to constantly get better, to keep striving forward, to keep making gains. He sees it as motivating; I see it as never being good enough for him no matter how hard I push or how much I accomplish. His anger management issues. Our lack of jobs. His desire for an active open relationship. My fears and insecurities about an open relationship. My internalized homophobia and my sexuality. My self esteem issues. The fact that what I want and what I feel keeps changing day to day because I am a plural due to whatever this MPD/DID nonsense is. And while that isn't something I should feel bad about, it's not something he should have to deal with either - he is dating one person, not a dozen. The fact that we aren't traveling well together. The fact that I'm too clingy, too needy, that I'm always up his ass, that I never do anything alone. The fact that I feel like I am only allowed to exist when it it convenient for him, and if it is I should drop everything I am doing immediately and focus only on him and waiting on his every whim, and when it's not if I even dare to breathe too loudly there's a huge fight. He keeps trying to leave. One of these days, I will get the courage to let him. I am obviously not making him happy. I need to let him go. But I'm scared. I don't want to die yet.
Last night, the stars called me home.
Tonight, I may just follow them.
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