Hey there!

So, I really need your advice because I am going crazy with this.

More than 2 years ago I was in a relationship wth my ex boyfriend. Because he had to go back to his country (that is 1400 kilometers apart from the one I live in) we decided to start a LDR (Long Distance Relationship) . It seemed fine: we were both doing enough to see each other once every six weeks, although we were just 20 years old at that time, students and part-time workers. I think we were both madly in love with each other. At least I want to believe in this.

Everything could be just fine at distance as well. The thing was that I was in a very vulnerable moment in my life. I just had moved to this new country to study dance when I met him, I had no friends there and I couldn't speak the country's language that well. Besides, I was struggling at school and struggling at work.

I really missed him and got annoyed about the lack of messages I was getting from him. I was way more insecure back then so I would complain a lot about this. At the end we decided to break up because I couldn't handle the lack of messages and communication at the distance. I wish I had learnt to be less dependent on his attention and on our relationship sooner.

I went to see him for one week to say goodbye. The week was quite boring and awful because I couldn't speak his language either (We live in Europe) and we were always hanging out with his friends. That would mean I wouldn't be able to socialize since I could only understand 10% of the conversations. He had already made plans with his friends when I decide to show up. Because we broke up, I was thinking about not taking the plane to see him but then I changed my mind and wanted to say goodbye to him properly. "Whatever", I though. We were going to break up anyways. We hugged each other at the airport and said goodbye. I was happy to be back to my country, ready for my new single life. A life without a half-relationship.

Summer came and I met this incredible guy that is now my boyfriend. He is nice, generous, is focused on his career, sweet and takes good care of me. I couldn't ask for more. Except that I feel there is something missing.

Before getting on a serious relationship with this new guy, my former boyfriend said he was coming to town and that he wanted to see me. Me and my former boyfriend met up on a super nice coffee and we talked a lot. I could see he was still interested in me. He approached me to kiss me. We kissed, we had sex. I was happy.

Only when he told me he was interested in a new girl. At first I didn't really pay attention to the warning signs. I was too naîve back then. As I was dating someone new too, I thought: "It's okay. He has his right". I didn't take it as something serious. I thought my ex came to see me because he missed me. The truth? He came to say goodbye to me.

Few weeks later I discover he was in a serious relationship with this girl. She is pretty, blue-eyed chick and really fancy. She studies in the same college as him. Not a crazy needy starving artist as I am.

I also decided to get serious with this guy that is now my boyfriend. He is 3 years older than me, which means that he already has settled and can provide me a very stable life. He is patient, likes to watch movies together and gives me a lot of emotional support, He is also quite cute too.

But 6 months ago I started to miss a lot my ex-boyfriend. Out of nowhere, it hit me like a stroke and now I can't stop thinking about him. I have periods where I think about him everyday, sometimes even three of four times per day. I even dream about him some nights! Another times I can go days without thinking about him at all. But in some way, his idea always comes back. I texted him 1 month later after finding out my ex was with a new girl. A very sad me texted him saying I wish he didn’t come to see me and we didn’t had sex together last time. That it would have been easier for me. He was really kind all the time, as he always was. After that, we never texted again each other.

So now, It's like my ex is like a ghost to me. Because we created so many memories on this city, everywhere I turn I just think about him. I am glad I moved to a new flat because I was too depressed coming home and remembering him all the time.

My current boyfriend is wonderful, and I love him as a person. But I am not sure I love him. I compare him to my ex boyfriend and it just doesn't feel the same. It is important to say that I had one year relationship with my ex and now 8 months with my current boyfriend.

All of this makes me sad for a couple of reasons:

1 - First, my ex is in a new relationship and through what I see on social media (another mistake of mine, I can't stop stalking him, although I should definitly avoid it), he seems really HAPPY with this new girl. She is from his city, his university, his nationality... I never saw pictures of them together as a couple, but I do see pictures of them together with a group of people and they are side by side. I also noticed some likes of my ex on her fb profile at the beginning of their relationship, which is really usual of him. He also liked some pictures of me at the beginning of the relationship. Then he stopped doing that during our relationship. So did he with his new girlfriend.

2 - Second, I am in a relationship too and my current boyfriend cares a lot about me. I mean, My boyfriend is always there for me. My ex boyfriend was as well, but he had a harder time because as I said, I was really vulnerable when he met me. Now I am like really confident, I have friends, I am finantially more stable. So I don't really know if it's fair to say that my boyfriend cares more about me than my ex did. This got so extreme that I came to the point that I don't feel like being touched or having sex with my boyfriend. I don't feel excited as I was before. I am faking that I am happy.

I don't want to screw everything. I wish I could accept and move on completly from my ex and dedicate myself to my boyfriend. Erase this feeling that is not making me able to appreciate my boyfriend.
Sometimes I feel like breaking up with my current boyfriend just because I can’t stand this uncertainty. Other times I feel like maybe I am doing a sabotage to myself. If I could only know if I am still in love or not with my current boyfriend, it would be easier. But I am afraid to regret as I did with my ex if I decide to break up with him.

I don’t know.. I would like to fix my relationship. We do spend some good time together (me and my boyfriend) but it seems I can’t forget my ex. I even though about taking a plane to my ex’s country and inviting him for a coffee just so I can’t stop idealizing him and say goodbye to him one last time. To check how I will react to see him and being together with him. To see if it’s not only my brain tricking me and making me create a picture perfect of my ex.
I also think sometimes that maybe I am just missing my ex because I still didn’t meet someone I am crazy about. As I said, my boyfriend is ok but I am not crazy about him. But maybe that’s because I am now more reserved on my feelings and I am more independente and holding more my attachment.
What do you think? Am I mad and should I go to see a psychologist?

no i am going through a very similar thing
wish i had advice LOL it sucks man

good luck :/

someone will have something more thoughtful to say
but just know
you are not alone

I think it's best for you if you're honest with yourself and your current boyfriend- tell him the truth, tell him you aren't happy. I can't tell you how much I regret not speaking up when I was unhappy because I thought it would make others feel bad.

I agree that honesty with your current boyfriend is a good idea. It might help you sort out your feelings if you talk to him about them. And it is also not fair towards him to keep him in a relationship that you are very unsure about and might end at any time without him having a clue. At least if he is serious about your relationship, it seems unfair to me.
Maybe the two of you could take some kind of relationship break? Not sure if this really works, I've never done so myself, but if you just stop seeing each other for a week or two you might be able to think things through and see if you do actually miss the relationship.
And then if you find out that you do love and miss him, you might be able to invest yourself more fully into your relationship, making it better for both of you.

I have no idea if seeing your ex again would help you let go - maybe it would, as you said, you might have a very idealized picture of him in your head. Whether one meeting would change that though, I'm not so sure. It doesn't seem like your last meeting did you any good, after all.
If he is happy without you, you probably shouldn't try to get back together with him. Maybe revealing your feelings to him would help you, if he ends up telling you that yes, it's over for him, he doesn't feel like you do about this. Again, not sure. That depends on you, I suppose.

If you feel like talking to a professional about this would help you, that is a good option before taking any drastic steps (like revealing your feelings to one of them or breaking up). You are a student, right? Maybe your school has some kind of free and easy to arrange counseling, you might want to check that out. I think my university has something like that, not just for study-related things but for general life issues as well. We regularly get an email reminding us of the service.
Doing something like that wouldn't mean that you're mad though. Just that you are in a difficult emotional situation and need someone to talk to who will ask the right questions that enable you to sort it out for yourself.

Good luck! These things are hard to decide, but I'm sure you'll find a way to get through this.