Kingdom of Knuffel

I have a history presentation to give with my group today and just, blergh. Everyone is presenting much better than I will and it's getting to me.

Public speaking doesn't make me cripplingly nervous but it makes me nervous enough that it's pretty unpleasant. And sometimes it's a lot worse. Like for my Advanced Writing presentation, I had to give my speech in front of my (unrequited) love, and that increased my nervousness and dread by 300%.

I've never liked it and at this age I don't think I ever will. As a kid I used to compare it to standing on a ship (I'd picture old one, not these modern ugly things) in a storm. The room would be sort of tilting or zooming in and out. I'd stutter, sweat, hardly breathe. Talk too fast or talk too quietly. In other words, I'll write the speech, but please don't ever punish me by making me talk in front of people.

I hated presentations in school
I don't like calling attention to myself, either cosplay is focused on the costume, so that's different
Like if there was something we had to do in front of the class, I'd do whatever I could to avoid it, short of feigning sick
But, a lot was unavoidable :|
And never helped
To me, I sound very different when up front, compared to, say, chatting during lunch. Wound up, pitch rising at the end, and most definitely not looking at the person

Job interviews, too

When I was giving my interview for college, I realized that the times I paused while speaking, my teeth were chattering very visibly, so I kept blabbing on and on so that the interviewers wouldn't notice >.>

And regularly during speeches I trip over words and pronounce them wrong because I'm trying to say them too fast and that always embarrasses the heck out of me.

I don't in general enjoy talking to people, unless I know them and even that's not enough, unless we're close. Anyway, I actually once did a test how the teachers will view me (different teachers obviously and I did it during the whole time I had those teachers teaching me) as the quiet one that I am VS always holding up the hand and taking a big part in the lessons, even choosing to sit as close as I could. Needless to say, even if I wouldn't know the answers etc, the teachers were much more likely to give a better grade (honestly, they always did), which is such utter nonsense and yet another reason why I hate the "education" system so much.

I get crazy jitters when I have to speak in public. It's so ridiculously obvious, I've had people come up to me with two kinds of reactions:
1. "You're a really good speaker! You should really talk/participate in class more!"
2. "Damn, you're really scared of talking in public, aren't you? You should chill out, girl, people ain't gonna eat you up or anything."

I don't freak out at all when I have to sing in public though. That comes as naturally as sleeping. Or breathing.

True story.

@CycloneKira Anyway, to stay on topic, I hope I never again have to do any public speaking, ever again...

@Leo
I did create different personalities but though I imagined and daydreamed them handling situations differently from me, especially after I handled something in a less-than-satisfactory or regretful manner. And also doing things I wasn't capable of but wanted to do. Retaliate to a person when in reality they're in a position of power over me, for instance. But I never acted them out. I wouldn't have known how to. I've never been able to go against myself in action, only in inaction (so I stick to who I am in whatever I say or do, when I go against myself for what other people or the world wants, it's not in what I say or do, it's in forcibly staying quiet or letting something happen.)

@Moi
Question time is the worst. At least I can reach the end of my speech, even if I falter, by trying to remember or by skipping to what I can remember, but if someone asks me a question I don't know the answer to... what do I even do xD

@Kira
I've noticed that about you lol. More evidence that your 'impulse' is an ingrained process that's a part of you. (Gotta stop referencing other conversations all over the place <.< ok I'll stop now.)

I've taken about three speech classes now and I've found that it's gotten easier over time. I keep thinking I'll screw up terribly but I end up doing better than expected. I dunno if this is because I've gotten more outgoing or anything like that, but I actually kind of do enjoy public speaking. I guess I kind of have to if my goal is to be a professor.