Sisters
Once I used to look up to you. You were everything I wanted to be, you were beautiful, smart, and kind; you were my guardian, my friend, my sister.
So why is it, that all I can do is think about you and cry?
Maybe it was the letters. The ones I wrote to you every day. Each word carefully written, each page another dime spent in vain. One perfect letter from the dozen discarded around my feet. One perfect letter with no reply in weeks.
Or maybe it was your name. Every time it was called, I turn to look hoping against all odds that perhaps this time you would be there and you never were.
Or maybe it was your return.
I was so excited, my head so filled with thoughts of you for a moment I forgot your name, and you were just as I remembered.
You were beautiful, smart, and kind; you were my guardian, my friend, my sister.
So why is it, that everything changed and now I can't look you in the eye?
Perhaps it was the lies, the ones so big that I was left wondering, if the next time I got a phone call from you it would be in jail.
Perhaps it was the promises, the ones you always made, but never really kept despite how many times you said you would.
Perhaps it was me, for changing as much as you had. If you knew would you hate me as much as I hate you?
I'm tired of saying, "I love you," and never really meaning it. I'm tired of saying, "I'm alright," even when I'm not. I'm tired of being the one to give hugs, when I really want one instead. I'm tired of being your strength, when I'm scrambling to find my own.
My walls are crumbling, and you were the one to tear them down. It's not fair when you cry in front of me, when I can't cry at all. It's not fair that I can't say "I hate you," because I know that it isn't really true. It's not fair that no matter how many times you betray, disappoint, and abandon me I still hope that next time you'll be there.
Because in the end we're sisters and as much as I hate you, I love you just as much.
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