Kingdom of Knuffel

Lately my younger brother has been on a mind a lot. He passed away in 2016 in a car accident. i don't think i've ever really had the chance to grieve for him. So whenever i have thoughts of him, his memory, or things that might be connected to him it sends me for a pretty deep spiral. I tried watching a scary paranormal TV show, i didn't know the plotline at all but it dealt with the death of several siblings in the family. One of them was a mortician and she was processing the body of one of her younger siblings. I never thought i'd have a trigger, but i clearly do. All i could think of my memory of seeing my brother on a coroners table on the other side of a glass window. I can remember so clearly what he looked like, he looked alive enough that he could sit up and laugh at me as if it was all a joke but dead enough that something was unsettling. I can remember so clearly seeing my brother in his casket, feeling cold and with skin painted such a strange pallor that it wasn't what he looked like alive. With area's of his face not as filled out and sunken in all the wrong places. Truthfully the worst was seeing just how still he was because my brother was someone who never stopped moving and fidgeting in life. I've offhandedly thought about little things that would've made him laugh, different types of cars that were his favorite, memories of things we'd done together as kids, and songs that he used to sing. I miss him so much. When he died one of the scariest thoughts i had was that he would forever be 17 and every year i would grow older without him. If i have kids someday, they'll never know him. And when i find a partner in life they'll never meet my brother. My family is small, it's just my dad and me. And as much as i know he loves me, i will never be his son. Father's love their daughters, but they often have trouble understanding them, and i really see this with my dad. I miss my brother.

I used to always hate mainstream things (I was an edgy teen lol). But now I have so many guilty pleasure songs that are basic and mainstream

You may not think I need to get tested, but fuck you. you're the one who went to an event with someone who tested positive. I'm doing this not only for my own peace of mind, but also because my boyfriend's mom asked if I would. And since I respect her more than I do you, I'm going to get tested.

I know you and I have good communication, but still, deep down inside, I wonder if I'm really good enough for you, and I worry that someday, you'll get bored of me and leave me.

You wanna be passive-aggressive? Fine. I can play that game JUST as well as you. You want me to do chores? Fucking pay me what I'm owed.

It would be nice if I didn't get anxious every time I have to do an assignment and spiral about how I won't be able to finish it and then I won't meet course requirements and then I won't graduate... I have only a semester left and yet I can't remember how I managed to pass all the previous semesters.