Kingdom of Knuffel

Not to titledrop this thread's name but gooood. I'm so tired of keeping others' dirty little secrets for them. I used to think it wasn't possible to be traumatized by someone telling you dark and shitty things about themselves and what they went through. But now I know better. I can't even begin to process this codependent relationship of mine, because there's so much to unpack, and talking to different friends about it is so, so, so hard because then I would be divulging secrets that aren't even mine. I'm so tired. He told me I wouldn't be able to make a change for him. What's the point then? Just let me go. I wish your secrets would stop haunting me.

I don't want anything to do with you anymore. Especially since you don't care that your attitude is really shitty and that you are transphobic, xenophobic, homophobic, and an Islamophobic jerk. You don't care. You think you are justified in your beliefs. you aren't. You think you're a good person. You aren't. There is nothing in your Savior's teachings that says it's okay to "Hate the Sin, Love the Sinner", but that doesn't matter to you.

Your Savior would be fucking disappointed in you for your behavior and your choosing to be a fucking dick who uses His name to justify your actions. Being called out on your bullshit is not taking away your humanity in the least. You're just upset because someone you claim to love dearly is telling you flat out that your behavior is unacceptable to them. That they won't let you get away with your shit behavior anymore.

Have fun watching people leave you behind because you refuse to not be awful. No matter how nicely you word it.

I am so tired of casual relationships, friends with benefits, one night stands and the like; still, I cannot stop pursuing these things. I feel like this is the only thing I can do, as if I am not able to be in a relationship at all. Not that I don't want to, I do, I strongly believe in love (even marriage), but apparently there is no one out there willing to take this step with me. I know I am young etc., still so much to explore, so many people to meet... On the other hand, I feel like I am not able to feel such strong feelings. Even when I try. I only feel attracted, I feel love towards my friends and I am therefore addicted to seeing them. But it's different with guys. Don't get me wrong, I value every meeting, every person, every intimate situation, but I feel as if it is not enough, not what I want. If I cut one string, another one gets attached...

i'm existentially tired. i know it isn't right, i know this isn't love, i know that this is just my mental illness practically trauma-bonding with you, but you have no idea how much i love you, how happy i am to talk to you whenever you do pay attention to me. i feel like a dog waiting for its owner to come home. and it's painful. but i know i'm not supposed to feel like this. i'm supposed to love myself enough to not need yours. it's just really hard, and i still adore you all the same.

this isn't just one person. it's been a few over the years.

I have this repetitive behaviour of letting my friends meet my other friends.

I do not know if this feeling is justified, but I experience incredible jealousy when they hang out with each other, almost making me feel like a third wheel or no wheel at all, afraid they will be better friends with each other than with me.

I know this is likely my anxiety disorder, but it is a feeling that keeps coming back to me and I have not actually dared admitting this, so this thread is perfect.

I mean... I do get it, I have awesome friends, they are amazing, so I am not even surprised they would like each other more than they would like me. I consider myself only average.

I'm afraid I'll never have a real friend ever again

And I did it again.
I thought I would make things better for you if we do it, if we spend time together. Even if you don't want to talk about the problems you have atm, but I thought my presence would make it all better. We had a rough time getting to know each other again after we fucked it up, but it's gotten better and we became good friends again. And now, after 3 years, we did it again. I hope that this does not bring us back to this weird time where you avoided me and I tried to "save" the friendship by clinging onto you. Can we please stay friends? I don't want to be intimate with you in the first place, I just want us to be friends who can talk about everything.

Also, I still have the feeling that I give more to my friends that I will ever receive. The odd thing is I know it and I am okay with it. I love my friends so much, they are the most important thing in my life, without a doubt. But I feel that in the end this will destroy me because sooner or later I will lose them.