Kingdom of Knuffel

Lately I've been realizing my friends all continue to move forward, and I'm always stuck where I am.
Friends go off to college, get jobs, get married, have children, etc.
And it's not that I don't want happiness for my friends.
I want them to always be happy.
But I want happiness for myself too.
I've realized that I've wasted most of my life and I can't get it back.
I'm no longer a teen and I'm almost 30, and that's pathetic.
I've never had my first kiss. I've never had a first date. I've never had a boyfriend or girlfriend. Never had a paying job. Never been to college. Don't plan to ever have kids.
It seems like a waste of life. Especially when more productive people die.
It's like "That awesome person that wanted the world to love everyone and unite, was assassinated! Meanwhile Ashley just got a new shirt on her favorite website."
I know that's stupid, but I've felt that way for a long time.
I felt like I was a waste of space, a waste of life, and a waste of time.

Ashley's left behind, but Ashley will always be here when people need her.

I have also always felt like people don't care about me.
Like they can say "I'm sorry you're sick!" or "I'm sorry you ___ died!"
But I never believed them.
They just say things to be nice or to look good and they don't give a shit about me.
When doctors care about me, I think "It's just for a paycheck. They don't give a shit about me."
Or when someone says "Ashley, are you all right!?" they just want to make themselves look good.
I always felt like I cared about people that didn't care about me.
Which is true. I've had shitty people come and go.
But I know not everyone is that way.
If they didn't care about me, they wouldn't talk to me like they do.
But these thoughts are always lurking. Always there.

I remember when my bestie offered to do my eyebrows, and it hurt.
She stopped and said "I can't do it! I don't like hurting you!" and it was literally shocking to me. I was like "She CARES about me!?"
And of course she cared. We'd been friends for about 13 years.
But even now, when people show me love and care and concern, it shocks me.
Because I don't expect it.

It's like "Who the fuck would like YOU?" "Who'd care about YOU?" "You know they're lying to you!" "They're going to betray you!" "They're just using you!" "You're pathetic and no one wants you!" "You think so highly of yourself!" "You don't deserve love and affection!"

You know, we all knew that you stole the silverware. I caught you doing it. Stupid thing is I have eyes and ears. I watched you put the silverware in a bag and then leave with it. I'm not stupid. Then you have the audacity to say that I'm lying and that dad blames you for everything. Pft. If you don't want to be called a thief then stop taking things. You had the nerve to say dad was always against you and that you never took anything. Funny enough after his death suddenly you are serving us with the stolen silverware. I don't like you and I honestly don't trust you as far as I can throw you. It's funny you've locked your stuff away. I've actually found my stuff in your stuff. I wonder how much of my stuff you have taken this time?

Plus please stop putting things in my storage closet that doesn't belong to me. The coke thing isn't mine. I'm sure it belonged to Jeff. You say Gord sold Jeffs stuff, I honestly can see that but I can also see you selling it as well. I thought when we were at the storage unit that Jeff had so much more stuff. Suddenly it isn't there anymore. Hm.... okay. Funny how that works. Especially since Gord couldn't get to that storage locker.

I really don't want you to be gone for so long but I don't have the right to be so selfish. I just wish you were here more.

It's my fault but I wished you stopped me.

I'm taking steps but are they the right steps? Is it ever going to get easier?

In the past 7ish years I've learned a lot about myself. One the name for my not being interested in anyone is asexual, but since I have felt attraction to... hm like 3 people I am demisexual. One though was a guy that was born a female... does that make me bisexual as well? I'm confused.....

People ask me boobs or butts.... I don't know what to say. I don't look at either one. I've told people before that I'm ace but they don't seem to believe me. I've told my sister that I'm ace which she understands. I don't want to tell her that I'm bi, (wouldn't even if I was asked since I've always been like why should I tell you?) but if I did she'd hate me so much. *gasp* 'That's against the bible, you're sinning!' I can hear it now.

I wish people would stop acting like it's a choice. I just am not interested in anyone. I used to fake it during high school to fit in. I never could see what made someone attractive to someone else. I could as an artist see beauty but I never felt anything for that beauty. Now I'm very disconnected from the whole what makes people attractive. My sisters friend I think doesn't look nice at all, and he's a jerk. Yet he's fending gals off with a stick. Well not fending them off, he just sees them all....

One of my friends said that the whole gay rainbow thing is stupid and they are all terrible people for sinning. I said oh interesting... What if I told you that I'm ace. He responded oh ace people are great. They choose to abstain from sex. I just had to head desk over that one. I don't make a choice, I have no interest in sex. In fact I've always wondered how I'd tackle that. I don't want to saddle myself with anyone that I do find I want to spend time with. So if my demi side sneaks up I always stuff the feelings back down since I equate sex and love together... you can't have a relationship without sex right? I don't think it's fair to the other person at all. So I keep myself frigid from my feelings. Why couldn't I be "normal"?

From your perspective, I can see why you might think I'm crazy.

But like,
ONE: You asked to hang out two weeks ago on Friday, at 1pm. But then you pushed it to 1:30. Okay fine, sometimes traffic or family duties like I totally understand. But to drive your fucking girlfriend?! Like you didn't tell me you had a girlfriend and I have been pining for you for three years. Shame on me I suppose.

TWO: You moved the timing on me twice. I just started feeling like you don't value me as a person and you don't value my time and it made me really sad. Thats why I don't hang out whith sheryl anymore and I don't want to be feeling like I have to beg to be your friend.

I think it's hilarious how I'm paying ALL of the bills when you practically live here. You have over half of the house as your area. You've actually put locks on the doors to your section. You bring over your own laundry and your friends laundry and you are constantly doing laundry. When you come over you normally crank the heat since you are cold. You turn on all of the lights in the house even if you are nowhere near that area. You waste hydro like it's candy.... Yet I'm paying for it all. Then I read your note. Oh you will give me $70 a month towards phone, tv and water. What about hydro? Plus the tv and phone are so much more than that a month. Oh and I like how you feel you shouldn't start paying until July.... Your reasoning is as thin as water. I'm too tired and sick right now to deal with it, but so far I'm paying over $800 a month for utilities including the tv, phone and internet. Get your own phone and tv, I barely watch tv. I barely use the phone as well. You have your own phone, why are you using mine anyways? I wish you would use ONE iota of your intelligence for once. I know you have a brain, use it. Is this arrangement more beneficial for you or for me? Think about it.

I'm just such a waste.

It scares me to stand up for myself, and I hate myself for letting everyone treat me like shit.

Kingdom of Knuffel

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