Kingdom of Knuffel

I want blood.

You know I love you... What you don't know is that when we snuggle on the couch? I feel safe. I feel like I can relax. I can breathe. I don't have the words to express just how much I love you, just how it feels to be with you. To know that you love me, and are trying to understand, or at least be supportive... I don't have the words to express my gratitude for you choosing to remain in my life.

And you (different person from the first)? You make me wanna throw a plushie at your head sometimes, but so do the rest of my friends/chosen family. If it wasn't for you, I'd very likely still be a doormat. It is on my bucket list to pester you in person at least once in my life.

What is wrong with me? Doesn't anyone love me? Doesn't anyone even like me? I've been feeling so alone lately and so lost. I used to be able to talk to a friend but now he's pushing me away. I feel like I'm a burden on everyone. It's so bad that I had a dream that I was playing something (who knows what) and I got to the boss. I ran into the fight and the boss used a thing on me that stunned me. It showed a picture of one person standing over another on the stun... So I was supposed to have a person stand over me. Well I had no one. Another person saw this fight and came over after it was over (in which I got slaughtered) and asked me where the other person was. I started crying and said he abandoned me. So it's even coming through in my dreams....

I am staying in my friends guild for now in Dofus but more than once I've wanted to leave. I know some people who would take me into their guild but then I'd miss my old one even though it's dead....

Is it my own fault though? Do I start to cling too much and then push them away? Why is it that when I try to talk to people it's taken as me trying to start a fight? I'm not trying to start a fight. Really I'm not. It hurts. I honestly want the pain to end and if I didn't have my cat I think I would do something stupid....

I don't need to be put on a watch, I won't do anything.... I just want the pain to end.

I just found out today that a friend passed away. There will be no visitation or funeral. I will miss her. :(

If anyone asked me when I was younger what I would grow up to be, I know I would have never answered what I am now. I'm a stupid screw up. I can't do anything right...... I don't belong here..... How did I end up in this mess? Where from point A to point (whatever I'm on) did I go wrong?

And there she is... she told me I would have a place to stay until the house sold. Now she's kicking me out.... Why? My cat was sleeping in MY laundry basket.... She is also upset because I told her what I found on google after she demanded I search which sheen is used in kitchens and bathrooms. I told her that by this website it's both. I told her satin for the kitchen and bathroom but by this one website either satin or eggshell is fine. She had a freakout saying that the guy told her the opposite information where she bought the paint.

Everything is a fight to her. I can say anything and she'll take it that I'm starting a fight....

Well now I need to find a place even though I have an old cat and next to no money. I hate my life.

I don't know how to stop driving myself crazy.
For once I would like to just stop obsessing over stupid things.
I hate my OCD.

My friend came to me in a moment of weakness asking for help with the anorexia she is developing. I keep trying to be there for her and be supportive, because I know what it's like, but it's really making my anorexia flare up, so I find I've been avoiding answering her. I feel terrible, and I want to be there for her, but my SO is worried about me 'cause I went from happy and healthy and doing well on my road to recovery to freaking out every time I ate. I hate this. I thought we were past this...
I'm a terrible friend.

Now what?

What didn't kill me didn't make me stronger. It just made me wish it had.

I know what I am like on weed. It's actually a good reaction,
as in I become more relaxed and calm. The anxiety is quieted for a time. But my best friend is scared that they'll lose me if I start doing medicinal marijuana derivatives. Honestly, I understand their POV, and where they're coming from,
and their concerns are valid... but just knowing that the anxiety is quieted and not constantly there is arguing with not wanting to accidentally push them away or scare them off.

Spoiler

Are we making a stupid financial decision, and ignoring all of the personal, emotional, and political red flags, just because we miss having a social group?
Will we, as a couple, survive a year doing real people jobs, with no way to travel?
Will we survive two?
Will we ever escape?
Are we making the worst decision of our lives?

Kingdom of Knuffel

Dirty Little Secrets...

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