Kingdom of Knuffel

Ah my poor sister. You thought I was dumb yes? A simpleton doesn't have any idea of laws. Or the proper ways of doing things. You believed a real estate agent and didn't consult the lawyer. You do know that a real estate agent doesn't know law? They didn't study law, they can't advise you. Just like when you were trying to force me into selling the house before dad passed away. I couldn't sell the house... without going to the lawyer. Did I have time? No. Now that he has died we need to wait to sell. The house is part of the will. Even if all the will says is it's to be split equally. It still needs to be probated along with everything else. So I am glad that you finally talked to the lawyer. It would have been worse if you waited until after you put the house on the market. Don't trust a sales person to tell you what is legal. He cares about selling the house quickly so that he can make a big cut as his commission. The lawyer cares about his pocket as well but he is obligated to tell you the truth when it comes to laws. Shocking.

I feel weak and useless and I just want to die. I'm good for nothing and no one.

I've been neglecting my medication and I've been having frequent hallucinations.
Nothing horrible, but they're more frequent.
I don't want to take pills anymore, or need pills anymore.
But I know I should never just stop taking them.
Now I'm afraid to see my doctor.

Never thought a sunrise could burn,
More than a midnight without you;
Already paying for tonight,
Head spins like a carousel over and over.
Lost in the light,
And I don’t know what night it is,
You’re somewhere else, I’m drinking not to guess;
Blurry bodies, but you're on my mind,
We let it go now I'm full of rum and regret,
I go out just so I can reforget..

The food that I'm eating,
Is suddenly tastleless;
I know I'm alone now,
I know what it tastes like.
So break me to small parts,
Let go in small doses..

I want to change the world,
Instead I sleep;
I want to believe in more than you and me.
But all that I know is I'm breathing,
All I can do is keep breathing,
All we can do is keep breathing now..

We talk to the deep of the night;
Moving by cigarette light.
Waiting for something to spark;
But you left me in the dark.
Mistakes that you made in the past;
Cutting through you like they're glass.
There are no words that can paint;
The longing in your face.
I just want to hold you;
Keep you in my world.
But you wanted to go higher,
Take the chance and explode;
Thought I was more than the afterlife,
Thought I was more than the...
You're at the edge of your desire,
Left the story untold;
Thought I was more than the afterlife,
Thought I was more than the, more than the, more than the...
Baby... ohhh... ohhh...

I just cannot be bothered anymore... I've lost motivation for everything except the things I cannot do... I also don't want to have to see family this weekend but I need to to get the dress for my latest project. I can't seem to stop trying to please my family and trying to earn their love... T_T When will this end...?

I want to stop.

It hurts

You'll never find out, but I took you off of my crisis plan, because not only do you not understand how depression and anxiety can affect a person, you haven't said a damn thing to me since I asked you to read that report I gave you. And if I bring it up, I'm gonna be told "Yes, I remember". or you'll get pissy with me and make me feel like shit all over again.

How do you think it makes me feel if you can't even give me the courtesy of trying to understand where I'm coming from? If you won't even bring it up?

We just found out today that Momma Mendel has breast cancer.
I can't breathe.

I wish I could just stop eating again.

Kingdom of Knuffel

Dirty Little Secrets...

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