Kingdom of Knuffel

I smile like nothing is wrong, embarassed of my own pain. If I reach out, will they help? Or will my fears come true? I have no ambition or will to follow through with anything... how cowardly is that?

Up until now, when I give into cutting, I have a method- Using the friction of skin on skin. Usually, I use my pointer finger and rub it on a spot to create a burn. It is an excessively long process, but means I cut less frequently, and burns are questioned less.

Except a month ago, I used my finger and a razor. First time ever, and I wonder if I can control it. The cuts were superficial, but the burn still lingers. I fear for the next time. Can I stop myself again?

On occasion i make myself puke if Ive eaten too much because it hurts.

I didn't know parents were worthless pieces of shit. Oh wait let me be more correct.... Mothers who sacrificed everything for you were shit and dirt. But of course your abusive father is god... Thanks for telling me. Die and leave me alone.

Is there a reason why you hate me so much? What did I ever do to deserve this? I swear people all around me hate me. Make me relive parts of my past I am working tirelessly to be rid of. But I can never escape them because of you. You are making me relive ones that are the worse in my mind. Things that took everything that made me who I am from me. And again... it's all gone. Things that always brought something in my life, my body, my feelings are all gone in a second. Because you uttered those words to me. There is never turning back on that. It's all gone. We are all done with. You were never truly anything to me were you? Wished I knew that before I left everything behind for you. All for nothing. Guess there is nothing called "love" in this world and never was. My child self was correct. Love is a hateful and horrible word and never exists in this world and never will either.