Kingdom of Knuffel

I am about to lose my ever loving mind. If my dress doesn't come out right I am going to have a freaking meltdown.

I hate this month got nothing but horrible crap to me!

Just when I thought we were back on our feet, more shit happens. I don't know what to do, I don't think I can balance two jobs. Should I try and take commissions? Can I even do art fast enough for that to be a valid source of money? Would anyone even WANT to commission me?

What the fuck else can I do so that we're not barely scraping by every week? I regret ever spending money on myself, on things that I want but don't need. I wish my job at ZMO was full-time so I could be making a more substantial amount of money.

I think things are starting to get to me lately. My anxiety and vertigo have gotten worse. I find myself stumbling over basic sentences and tasks that I normally had no trouble doing. And I can't try to save by skipping out on acupuncture, otherwise I can barely walk because it's the only thing keeping my vertigo at bay.

I have to take driving lessons and get my driver's license. I have to renew my green card which is a whopping $590. I have to get my passport renewed/fixed. All of these things cost money that I barely have.

And now I'm just crying.

I don't understand what I could have ever done to make you all treat me like subhuman shit. I'm eighteen, I can move out...or at least I should be allowed to by law. But you're all keeping me more trapped than ever. You've taken away my right to cope by communicating with other people by restricting my usage of the computer, and now my phone. I'm to turn in my banking card too. Mom, you keep badmouthing your own daughter in front of family, her friends, your friends, teachers, everyone, where do you think she gets that terrible terrible habit of talking about your shitty treatment of kids? Dad has totally lost it, he said he gives up on me. In front of the whole family.

I really don't get it. I'm scatterbrained, I'm dumb, I'm awkward, I'm nothing like what you wanted or expected. I'm not an elite student like you both were. But I don't understand why you have to trap me again, like you did when I was 13. I should have never told you what I felt about myself, mom. You just use it to belittle me, bully me, threaten me, kick me when i'm down.

I don't do drugs, I don't smoke or drink, I obey the curfew rules, I never gave my teachers trouble, I don't bully other kids, I try to be nice and take care of myself... I don't understand. You all want me to do too much. I'm the eldest child, so apparently I must be automatically mature at any given age. I must be a servant to the elders. I must not have fun or have opinions. This is what you taught me.

The past few nights I've nearly killed myself because of what mom decided to grill me for. Because of what brats my younger relatives are. Because I'm a joke. I'm not human. I don't, I shouldn't have my rights, and I'm punished by having all my coping methods taken away. You're all acting like I'm gonna kill a man somehow. The only person I might kill is myself, thanks to you.

Dignity? What's that?