@Kuuki: Proneness to depression is also hereditary.
It's hard to provide care if you'renever/rarely experienced it in your life. Some people can break the cycle though, and that's great.
Oh, depression is never an excuse for hurting others. There's no excuse for hurting, unless it's a life or death situation. (But in Poland you'd still go to jail if you killed in self-defense).
It's not like my grandma is a total bitch or something, she's a very sweet woman. I just noticed that all the things she's been struggling with are happening to me now and I've now understood what life has been for her for about 12 years. And elderly are pretty much always lonely anyway. Yeah, the TV being too loud at night or loud phone calls around midnight were a major inconvenience. And her not sleeping and not drinking enough fluids, no appetite were all worrysome and my only reaction to all those was anger, because I couldn't 'teach her' to change her ways. Now I understand she might not be able to change them not because old people are stubborn and stuck in their ways, but there's some other force behind.
If he stayed for 5 years then he'll most probably stay forever
And that's 5 years of marriage, right? So you've been together before that also.
@Rayven: Don't worry, I can reply kinda late as well
(seriously, I've been writing this post for hours now).
I've tried to emotionally numb myself in middle school, it had terrible consequences that I believe I'm still suffering from. Life for HSPs can be harder but there's also good sides to this. I'm reading Elaine Aron's book on highly sensitive people and it's a miracle how she makes you feel better about it.
I'm also very particular with noises. The only noise I can tolerate is music and it shouldn't be too loud either XD that's why I'm happy about this pandemic thing because it made my firm send all the employees to work from home. Open space corporate job is so not for me, so that's the positive thing I can think of due to the pandemic
Heh, thanks
I'm thinking I could apologize in writing. I bought a necklace for my sister for the Holidays, so she gave me their address in UK to send it and I'm thinking I could also attach an apology letter for them both. I'm also considering to buy something for him, but I'm not really sure what. I have an idea but I'm afraid he just wouldn't take it
Oh, I've talked with him about it many times. And every time he says: "Baby, if I didn't love you I'd leave you on the first red flag you've given me. I wouldn't want to live with you, I wouldn't rent an apartment with you, I wouldn't plant to buy an apartment together". So it's definitely my paranoia
It just never leaves me alone. Idk, maybe there's some trauma about abandonment or something... It's quite possible, now that I think about it. Plus trust issues. That combinations is terrible, you have to admit
Sure, it's great when it happens naturally (I'll send good thoughts with this intention to God), but I hope you go out sometimes to make that possible
I was lucky that I met Ash in high school, I wouldn't know how I would've survived the whole dating thing
They are adorable
Spoiler: wall text about why Ash doesn't like my rats
Well, our previous couple of ladies were a two little devils and he just grew tired of all the rat trouble
He kept saying they were our last rats ever. They were difficult from the start. Biting the cage at night (it was wooden, Ash made it himself), escaping the cage at night, climbing the highest wardrobe in the room from the floor, climbing the curtains, getting to the windowsill and eating up the plants, throwing plants off the windowsill, getting inside our sofa and biting everything, peeing on everything (they ruined one really warm comforter, not to mention some of my grandma's pillows), biting the bedding case, the back of the sofa, other furniture and even the walls. And oh, don't get me started on the cables.
So you can understand why Ash was so tired of having rats. But then Candy died and Cotton was depressed, so I wanted to adopt a single lady from someone but there were no openings there. Then we thought it's better for her to give her up to someone with a bigger pack but we couldn't go through with it (because it's hard to just give up your babies, as mentioned), so we just bought these two snots that we have now. Cotton has left us about a month later. And Ash wanted to give the boogers away, but I objected. They are total opposites of Cotton & Candy. I named them Kropka and Kreska (which would roughly translate to Dot and Dash, I think, or Period and Line, lol). They seem to love their cage too much to actually leave it. Kreska is a very shy and I think an HSP rat, her favorite spot is the... uh, hanging house? Idk what's the English word for it XD But here's a visual help. I have the same model, but the rats aren't mine
https://m.zdrowyzwierzak.pl/pol_pl_Dome ... 1078_5.png
So, Kreska is usually there and rarely goes to run in the 'rat fort' as we call it (it's abunch of pvc pannels joined together with plastic clips), but she's a snuggle bug, on her own terms tho. Kropka is bolder and she comes out to play more often. The thing is, I can leave their cage opened (all three doors) and they might not give a damn
They might not go out to play, they won't escape at all (sometimes I forget to close the cage when we leave for groceries and such, and they have never escaped, so far so good). Two or three times one of them escaped, they just explored the floor and under the couch. Didn't bite anything, they're not even interested in cables when I stick them under their noses
The only thing they bite are the two blankets that I gave them to play in. So they're really being good angel ratties, so I think he kinda likes them anyways. But he's just tired of having rodents. Today I mentioned guinea pigs and even though he loves them, he said no way we're having them. He's really hung up on dogs (or cats, 'cause he's 'desprate for a bigger/more interactive pet', as he described it). But that's impossible right now anyways. Also, I think it might actually be a size problem for him, he's a big guy, very tall, and as a petite creature like I am, I can admit he's not always delicate and he knows it. Even with dogs, his understanding is "if it's beneath my knee height then it's not a dog" or "I'd just be tripping over it all day every day". And to his disdain, I love french bulldogs XD But I also love pitbulls, and that's a dog he can accept, lol. But I think we'll most probably take a doggie from a shelter once we'll be able to. I digressed xD Anyway, it's needless to say Ash is probably uncomfortable with small pets like rats due to his 'giant' clumsiness.
And honestly, I think these two will be our last ratties, at least for a while. Candy died by an accident I caused and Cotton died kind of by my mistake (two and a half year old rat with two wormed snots wasn't a great idea) also, so it's super hard to get over them, and it's difficult to be taking care of other rats that at the time I barely even knew. Now they're about 1 year old, all grown up, I've learned their characters. But usually when I lose a pet I try to take some time without pets (or pets of the same kind) to grieve them. We waited a couple of months after our first rat baby ever (Tila) before I even got an idea of getting new babies. I think we'll need a long rodent break after Kropka and Kreska. But there's still time for that (fingers crossed)
I wish I could find someone that loves me for me.
(0) 
(0)
Ash would gladly give them away but I have no heart to do that. I just love my babies, they're my only children dog damn it, and one does not simply give away their children 
