Kingdom of Knuffel

Life super sucks. I hate being disabled and not being able to help. I hate hurting all the time. I'm so tired all the time too. It's awful.

I've got my Grandma's funeral this Friday which means having to speak to extended family I don't like.

My cat also is having health problems which makes me insanely anxious/worried.

I feel like I'm no good for anything. I can't find a regular job, I can't find clients, I don't know what I'm doing, what to do and I want to die today. That's fantastic. I need more meds then.

I'm literally having suicidal thoughts. I'm too overwhelmed. I don't even know how to vent. I'm panicking and I can't stop. All I want to do is cry and sleep. My stomach is a knot, my brain is foggy, I'm indecisive. I'm blanking out. Brain fart. Ass brain. Whatever. I feel useless.

Here I go again. I'm a drama queen apparently.

I'm at work and there's too much going on at once and I'm left alone and I have no idea what I'm doing. It's great.

I've been slammed by a lot of death and family drama recently and even though I got promoted at work, there's more work stress because of the workload.

I really regret not taking my chance to study this year, like I need money more but I had it all pretty much ready to go.

Lately, my friends have been mocking me for my interests. They can't believe I'm still interested and invested in a piece of media even though the creator has questionable morals. Every time I'm interested in something related, they call it garbage or trash or something that's not worth money on, and it really breaks me down inside. It is getting to the point where I don't even talk about anything I'm interested in with them.

Tonight I had this nightmare.
After a series of terrifying situations I felt lost, could not remember our address. Phoned my husband, who told me - and found it so amusing.
I then came back home he was laughing at me for not remembering the address, not even noticing I was crying because of everything that had happened earlier.

It's just a nightmare, but I woke up with my whole body clenched and feeling resentful towards my hubby - who, yeah, can really be insensitive sometimes.
I feel this nightmare is pointing that his insesitivenes is getting to me :/

I was put on new blood pressure medicine, and I truly don't know how I feel about it. I wonder if a part of my reluctance has some Self Harm causes, like I don't deserve to be cared for. But my therapist made me go to the doc, and it is for the best. I will take my meds like I'm instructed, but no idea how I feel.