Kingdom of Knuffel

Yes, I do need to vent.
I always need to vent.

My lyre's string broke and I can't figure out how to get the weird screw thing off of the new string.
I had just learned how to tune it, too!

I need to vent so much that I don't even know where to fricking start.

no advice please!

i've been struggling with mental illness for years and this year has really taken a toll on me. my bpd is... so bad right now. i'm currently hyper attached to someone for the first time in years and it's really kicking my ass as far as paranoia that they don't like me or hate me or otherwise think i'm annoying because my biggest fear right now is them leaving me because i'm too much to handle, but i get so terribly insecure and jealous.

i know that this is the result of my MI, but it makes living day to day just, extremely painful. it's objectively stupid because the things that trigger my breakdowns are honestly so miniscule but... this is why it's a mental illness. i feel like i'm at the end of my rope here.

well, i think i just got diagnosed for general anxiety disorder, which i could've seen a mile away. but that doesn't explain the Other Stuff.

Okay, sorry for this, probably TMI.

I am a mother, I have an amazing little 4 year old son whom I love to death. My pregnancy with him was very scary and ended in a lot of health complications for the both of us. Why? I have medical conditions that were supposed to mean it would be near impossible I could get pregnant, along with my body rejects anything in it that does not belong, ranging from dissolveable stitches to fillings on my teeth to apparently children. My body saw my son as a parasite and tried to abort it many times on it's own, it did not work and so in exchange my liver and kidneys started to shut down. After he was born I lost an ovary, some tissue around where it was, and some tissue behind my uterus.
Now, we are both fine, he has no deformities, etc and I'm not going to go into detail on what my body did to us through out the pregnancy. In short, while scary, everything turned out fine. He is 100% normal and while I'm missing some organs, I'm fine and it was worth it.

Okay, fast forward to a week ago, we have a pregnancy scare. I was told that if I get pregnant again I have a risk of death. So, I am on BC pills and usually an IUD as well as I'd rather be double protect since results can be so... Permanent. Well my IUD came out months ago and my doctor told me since I take my BCP perfectly it's enough coverage as I never miss a dose and take it within 15mins of the same time every day as I have other medications to take at the sametime.
Well, despite that we had a pregnancy scare. I was late, showing symptoms of being pregnant and I was freaking out. I was figuring out how to get an abortion, if one is even offered where I live (Small town in Alaska), what that entails, etc. Well, I also have mental health problems of PTSD, many forms of Anxiety, and Depression. So this had my anxiety going off like crazy, more so once I realised that I'd have to be at a doctor office for between 4 and 6 hours for an abortion. So, I turned to Google and I was searching natural safe ways to cause a miscarriage. I found some ways, all natural just foods to eat in excess basically. So, I Had my husband grab that stuff from the store and explained my plan. He gets home with the stuff, great. I couldn't do it. I could not force myself to consume these things that may cause a miscarriage, I told my husband that I could not force myself to go have an abortion if I am pregnant and explained that I did not think I would be able to survive it mentally. I would never forgive myself and it would make my existing health problems so much worse. He told me "That's a risk I'm willing to take. I don't want you to die."
I understand that, I really do, I don't want to die and leave my family, but I knew I could not have an abortion.

Thankfully the next day I got my period and I was able to take a huge sigh of relief, but I had to admit/inform my husband of something.
I want another child. I did not know that until we had this scare. The whole time my logical brain was going "We're in a bad situation here." While my body and emotions were excited and happy. So I was terrified, but also excited to possibly be pregnant.
It turns out, my husband was too. He didn't want to tell me because he knew I was already fighting those emotions myself and if he admitted he was excited too it'd be worse and harder for me. He's right, it would have been even harder as I was trying to find ways to end the pregnancy, abortion, despite being against it. Trying to figure out how I could force my anxiety to be okay with me spending 6hrs in a doctor office, etc. So... Now we're just kind of at a loss. Do we try for a baby and risk my life, do we wait until we're in a better spot in life, or do we just ignore both our desires. Adoption is not an option for us as we agree it's not that we want another child, it's that we want to grow our family, our blood, etc. Things have been a little awkward the past 2 days now since I started my period. He's been more concerned with how I'm feeling, physically and emotionally, and we both sort of have a slight sad mood about us.
I don't know, I know this is huge and I'm sorry I just needed to get it off my chest as we have no one here to talk to about it. They would just instantly get mad about me having a pregnancy scare and would be furious if we told them we apparently want another child.

so glad to see this thread was still used <3 always vent when you need to

Themis - that's really rough. I'm sorry and I understand where you are coming from. I too have health problems that make pregnancy risky. In my case, I'd also be too weak to take care of a child, as well as potentially passing on my condition. I've come to terms with never having a Child of my own, though it's hard and I hate reality.

Are you in a financial position that surrogacy is an option? I don't know much about it, but if you don't want to adopt and really want a kid of your own, maybe?

I am feeling it difficult to forgive myself for making 3 steps forward and 4 steps back. I am overweight after having my son 2 years ago.
I comitted and lost 35 pounds!
BUT then Covid 19 hit and i got depressed and gained every single pound back.
It took me 7 months to loose that much weight

I put 100% of myself into my friendships. So much so that i will plan trips, activities, dates, etc.... just to get me and my friends out and having a good time. I don't mind being the one with ideas, every friend group needs someone like that. But when it starts to feel like i'm being taken advantage of by people i considered friends, its just, disheartening.

I've had a friendship fall apart because they claimed it was a burden to call me their friend. i planned a trip meant to be a lot of fun, where the entire time i ended up feeling like the odd one out because of the actions of the people around me. it was alienating and isolating. Or another meant to introduce someone to a new activity, and it ended with me just feeling upset because of the disrespect i experienced. Is it wrong for me to speak up when i feel disrespected or uncomfortable? I should hope not. I've had to learn the hard way through life to advocate for myself, and sometimes that ends with people not liking you.

But why do i have people i call friends and supposedly consider me a friend in return that make me feel like they use me for a good time and then push me aside when they've had enough?

I know my worth as a person. I am not useless, worthless, or anything else. And i will not let someone make me feel like this. I can walk away and enjoy my life elsewhere. But jeez.... honestly it's just tiring that this is a trend i see. It's made me wonder if i'm a difficult person to get along with, or any number of other things. It hurts sometimes because of how much effort i put into friendships. If a friend needed my help, i would drop everything i was doing to make sure they were ok. I've done this for a number of them. I always keep my word, i've had people say i am reliable.

Why is it that no one does the same for me in return? Is this too much to ask for? i just don't know, but something hurts inside.

I'm so fucking tired of negative people who can only make excuses as to why they can't do some shit while in fact they are just scared to do the things they want to do. I know there's some mirroring happening but god damn it, it's draining my energy listening to those people being in the victim mentality and lack mentality and oh, the world is so cruel and scary I can't leave my house or send a cv because people are scary and they will judge me or yell at me or whatever.
Do yourself a favor and grow a pair, get a grip and start living for crying out loud. Make that change. And if you don't intend to make a change in yourself because sitting in a pile of shit up to your neck feels warm and cosy, then go ahead and don't change anything. But stop fucking complaining. Nobody wants to hear your downer mentality.
From now on I'll practice ignoring these people because there's no need helping them if they don't want help, they just wanna complain. Wish me luck, I'm gonna need it.