Kingdom of Knuffel

I have a strange imagination, like I think beyond what I should, if I come on to the topic of death, I freak out about if I'll just disappear or not; and if there is an afterlife what if it turns out to be worse than this one and secluded or something? One thing for philosophy we had to think about which theory made more sense... so I was using a pretty good self made scenario to show which theory I felt more strongly for. The scenario was that a person would be kept in a really small dark room almost like a coffin (got fed through tubes or something) there whole life, I thought about that person as a baby crying for their mother, then I ended up think about whether the person would still cry like that as they got older? Then I thought probably not but, at the same time they still must be really sad/bored/lonely - this scared me and made me sad.

I feel like I'm mediocre at everything, even when it comes to getting ill which makes me feel guilty for the people who are actually more sick than I was(or am, no one knows any more lol). I keep feeling like I should keep trying different AS levels so I don't have to progress with a topic that I am so boringly mediocre with. Sometimes I wonder if my sister got all the talent before I was born and that's why I'm like this.

I believe in monsters, I see them everyday. They wear the faces of people so you won't know they are a monster 'til it's far too late,'til they devour you alive and make you wish you were dead. Until you wish everyone else was dead.

I worry that I may dissociate so far from myself that I never feel comfortable in my skin ever again.

I'm afraid that if I let him get too close, he'll push me away..