Kingdom of Knuffel

He was only 73 and in good health, especially mentally, he was 100% ok, He suddenly got a heart failure on a friday morning, we called the evening before and everything was fine My grandma found him in his chair and she can't walk, she's in a wheelchair so she felt powerless and couldn't help him
I had a rough day today, i went to a café where he and I used to have a hazelnut latte each time and i literally cried in public, it hurt me so much to be there for the first time without him..

My boyfriend was really sweet when we first met, now a lot has changed and he has hurt me on different occassions and just acts like a total D the whole time. (Luckily) he lives in another country at the moment so we keep in touch by videocalling and texting at this moment

*crawls into the hangout* *flops to her back* I feel completely useless I'm wasting time, I can't even motivate myself to do stuff I used to love doing, and instead I don't look for jobs and I pretend to make money by playing mobile games. So far I made like 1 euro maybe. And I still didn't make that paypal account, so yeah, I feel totally useless

One time at work I was ordered to call clients and ask them stuff like "you've made an account like a thousand years ago, it's inactive, but do you want to activate it?", while the job in my contract was only to call the new clients and make sure they understand the investment risk. I hate making calls. I had to go to the bathroom like before/after each call to cry, crying sessions for 3-15 minutes. I suffered major panic attacks then and I just couldn't stop it. It didn't help that half the calls to "old clients" was actually ex-employees who made accounts "just because"... I just felt embarrassed every time that happened.
After that I've decided to never take a job involving phones. So I rule out a major group of jobs that I potentially could do (secretary, assistant, client support). I've applied to such jobs, but I always almost pray they don't call me. I also hate being called, it goes both ways. I prefer e-mails and texts.
And there's no offers for what I'd like to do (translator) or there are but people think I'm underqualified.
So I'm thinking about freelancing, but all I can think about is failing with it, and miserably.

Oh, hi, btw XD *showers McCoy with confetti rain*

Okay, that's enough about me, I don't even know how I produced that wall of text, I've been sayingt he same things over and over for months, still nothing's better and I know it's just my fault.

Feb, I know how it feels, sometimes Ash does the same, but I know he's got problems and struggles of his own. For example he's taking the rats going rogue at night very badly. I have the comfort and can sleep in, but he's gotta go to work in the morning. Last night we hardly slept at all.
But on the other hand it's not nice when he comes home and says stuff like "how are you tired/haven't done any dinner, you sit at home all day " Thanks, so maybe I'll stop doing your laundry and the dishes and we'll see how you'll live mister smart pants I am actually just mentally tired, it's different type of tired, but I still am, stop belittling me just because you've got a job

Also: *confetti rain* for the new hangout!

They are. And I had to do them for like 2 weeks, and after the first few days of having the panic attacks and crying sessions I just felt numb throughout the whole thing and I tried to tell myself that the more calls I make that day, the quicker I will be abl to finish and forget about it and never do it again.
The worst thing is, the guy who forced me to do it wasn't even doing any job at that time, and it was kinda his department to gain clients, so he could've helped me but told our boss that "he has to call new clients" and stuff like that, while actually he wasn't working at all, just chatting with other people in the office. So it was frustrating to me and I felt it's not fair.

Yeah, I don't even have any idea where to start... I've installed some app for freelancers but it's not helpful, something's wrong with it or I'm a dum-dum and can't figure out how it's supposed to work -.-;
Translating is so great, I'd love to do it but well... life.

Haha, I feel you with replacing the mother (there's a saying that men are just big kids XD). Last Sunday he got back from swimming pool and once he stepped his foot in the apartment he asked me to get the wet things out of the backpack. Then I think he left something that he might as well put away to its place, not wait until I do it and I got pissed, he can do this stuff himself, right? So I said "now I know what being a teen's mom will look like: mom, do this, give me this, do that for me, I'm tired, I don't feel like it, etc." Even though I told him I don't mean he acts like a teen, that it just gave me an idea.... but yeah, I meant he acted like a teen that day XD
Usually he just comes home from work and is like "do we have something to eat? I'm tired, make me a sandwich? make me something to drink? Can you go for the take out, I'm too tired?" and then just plays games... And sometimes it makes me feel like I'm his housekeeper rather than a girlfriend.
But sometimes he'll get that cleaning fever and will want to do all the dusting in the house and I'm like... not a fan of dusting, so it's like "my man is cleaning something, I'm so happy " Besides he does more amazing stuff daily so I get it and try not to overthink my feelings, because I know it's just the bad voice inside my head.

@ February
Thank you so much, reading what you said actually gave me tears because i'm so emotional but you're right, it's a beautiful thing i have those memories of him and that i can remember him by doing the things we used to do together <3
My grandma is currently not doing very well, she's got a bad cold but it's dangerous for her because she's got something wrong with her lungs, so coughing is not good. She's on oxygen support right now
*hugs* thanks for the hot coco and fuzzies!

How are things going for you today?

Aww thank you, that's really kind! Today she was doing a little bit better but it was harder to breathe now, so she's now constantly on oxygen.

I prefer coffee over hot coco, but i like both!

I'm glad to hear you feel better today! Making a snowman is so cute and fun~

Aww, so kind! <33

I only like Latte's and Cappuchino's :'D

I'm doing okay, the headache isn't terrible right now and i'm heading to bed, hopefully it'll be gone by the time i wake up

Goodnight!