Lately I've been realizing my friends all continue to move forward, and I'm always stuck where I am.
Friends go off to college, get jobs, get married, have children, etc.
And it's not that I don't want happiness for my friends.
I want them to always be happy.
But I want happiness for myself too.
I've realized that I've wasted most of my life and I can't get it back.
I'm no longer a teen and I'm almost 30, and that's pathetic.
I've never had my first kiss. I've never had a first date. I've never had a boyfriend or girlfriend. Never had a paying job. Never been to college. Don't plan to ever have kids.
It seems like a waste of life. Especially when more productive people die.
It's like "That awesome person that wanted the world to love everyone and unite, was assassinated! Meanwhile Ashley just got a new shirt on her favorite website."
I know that's stupid, but I've felt that way for a long time.
I felt like I was a waste of space, a waste of life, and a waste of time.
Ashley's left behind, but Ashley will always be here when people need her.
I have also always felt like people don't care about me.
Like they can say "I'm sorry you're sick!" or "I'm sorry you ___ died!"
But I never believed them.
They just say things to be nice or to look good and they don't give a shit about me.
When doctors care about me, I think "It's just for a paycheck. They don't give a shit about me."
Or when someone says "Ashley, are you all right!?" they just want to make themselves look good.
I always felt like I cared about people that didn't care about me.
Which is true. I've had shitty people come and go.
But I know not everyone is that way.
If they didn't care about me, they wouldn't talk to me like they do.
But these thoughts are always lurking. Always there.
I remember when my bestie offered to do my eyebrows, and it hurt.
She stopped and said "I can't do it! I don't like hurting you!" and it was literally shocking to me. I was like "She CARES about me!?"
And of course she cared. We'd been friends for about 13 years.
But even now, when people show me love and care and concern, it shocks me.
Because I don't expect it.
It's like "Who the fuck would like YOU?" "Who'd care about YOU?" "You know they're lying to you!" "They're going to betray you!" "They're just using you!" "You're pathetic and no one wants you!" "You think so highly of yourself!" "You don't deserve love and affection!"
(0) 
(0)
