I saw people play some games I will never look at. The blood and that is just gross. I don't think I ran into something that scared me. Except watching my hubby play Minecraft and there were bats. After a bit they started to get to me but that's because I have an issue with them.

I don't think my mom thinks the secrets might hurt me. She's not the kind to care about feelings especially when it comes to me. She flat out accused me of being anorexic when she was with me hearing the doctor on 2 occasions say I had an ulcer which is why I dropped in weight so fast. She really doesn't care about feelings. Trust me she is really heartless especially at me. I knew I wasn't a fit for them. So I tend to refer to my entire family as Polacks. I'm so rude using that word. But it fits them perfectly though. Wished it was they thought it would hurt me would make me feel more like I'm part of the family but being the black sheep and having no idea what could of went wrong as a kid to make me into that I have no idea.

My husband knows fully now how bad my family is and he keeps saying he's sorry they fucked me up big time. So at least I have some good family in my life now. Him and his mom but at least it's something.

My god. That girl really should of went to the doctor. That is the stuff the government I'm afraid won't even care about with people losing Medicaid. There are so many people out there that NEED their meds to function or bad things happen. I forgot what man it was the committed suicide in the last couple months but his twin spoke about how bad his mental health was. He had a really fucked up form of Schizophrenia and bi-polar and he was aware that he what he heard was not right. So he just took his life because he couldn't take it anymore. I heard about a voice actor who is back with his family after being in a hospital who thought his wife and daughter were replaced with robots. My god I can't remember who he is, but his character in the animated show thought kinda the same thing as well.

So many people need meds for multiple reasons and it's like the government morons just either don't see this crap or they are like the idiots who think dinosaurs never existed even though we have ALL that proof they did. I refuse to pay attention to articles on the Medicaid issues until something is fully passed and it's in place. Because everything so far is being refused and I'm so happy it is. Hell just look at Chris and especially Chester who both passed recently. Chester and his band made a big impact on alot of people who struggle with horrible things. Me being one of them. Linkin Park's music has made me calmer and happier when I was upset or depressed or whatever. I just don't understand how some people want to kill so many people who's health is so bad their meds are either keeping them alive or others alive. Even though some of the meds do cause more suicide issues in people. I really hate those side effects when they are there to stop that issue. >.>

Thank you about my mom. Out of all the people I know I'm the only one that has a mom like that. I don't even understand it half the time. The more I'm with my husband the more I realize what the hell with things from my childhood. Like her telling me never to date a black man out of the blue. That is not something you just blurt out for nothing. Her being a nurse? She was in the army as a nurse and she should know about health things but yet my entire childhood I was not told about my low body temp that could cause so many issues and I never understood why my body was so messed up.

Her saying I'm anorexic even knowing I had an ulcer.... My husband is the first person who made me stop being anorexic. I was most of my life but that's from my family. I grew up thinking I wasn't allowed to eat, like I wasn't worthy of it. If you didn't finish your meal you had to eat it the next time to eat, like next meal but it wasn't heated up at all. Even if it was the next day for breakfast, it was cold. NO snacks unless you finished your meal and snacks were fruit only. So when I got upset I thought I wasn't allowed to eat or drink because I wasn't allowed to. Even as an adult.. That isn't normal at all. But when I have tried to tell her stuff, even just hints at it, all she responds at is I was happy so she doesn't understand where this is coming from. I even stopped hating me called a girl because of my husband. When my ex used to refer to me as a female in any form I got so pissed I wanted to punch the shit out of him. Because I was raised as a boy by my grandfather. He wanted a boy as his first born grandchild and he even yelled at me at 9 for acting like a girl because I didn't want to touch a worm to put it on the hook when he took me fishing. Last time he ever did that too. According to my mom he eventually came around and liked me being a girl I guess... Not something to tell a teen though. And I have severe self hatred that is going away thanks to my husband too.

Grew up being a people pleaser because of my family and ya it always hurt me. I thought I was stupid as fuck because I grew up thinking that. Thanks to grandpa who yelled at me asking am I stupid and do I want to be stupid. Probably didn't help I grew up hearing him ask my grandma how stupid she is. My idol was a verbally abused woman... Not a smart choice either lol. My family was awesome as hell. I told hubby on a date last month about when my grandpa threw a chainette (a round metal heavy chain they threw at dogs to stop them from disobeying them (my aunt had them for her dobs)). He said it was an accident and meant to toss it at the dog but with none being near me at all.... Ya. I showed him a pic and he said those damn things weighed a few pounds. He said I was really psychologically abused so he understands why my brain fucks with me so much now. I'm glad he understands but my god the more I realize the more I just don't understand why the hell I wasn't just put up for adoption or just aborted. I really don't think my mom had any catholic crap in her when she got pregnant at 29. >.>

Sorry for the rant. My god I came from an a we s o m e family.....

Sad thing about that actor is that people will judge him because his family might of had slaves. I heard about something similar to that happening to a Korean star and he denied his family members business with Nazi's I think it was. He was ashamed and people were pissed at him just because of a family member who he couldn't control the actions of, really sad. Not anyone's fault for what their family has done. But seems no one thinks of that. I always hated Thanksgiving for what happened to the Native Americans as a kid even. I was overly aware of things at a young age. Even had a extensional crisis at 9 where I came to the conclusion that there wasn't a god because of all the crap I went through by then and what other kids are going through.

That high of blood sugar... I'm surprised they are even alive still. My god. And I think you might be right, even with McCain having cancer people will still think screw sick people. Until it happens to them of course. Then my god we need to make sure we are saved with insurance and meds.... Jerks. I still remember how my great grandma was when she was dying at home with brain cancer. My family takes care of the dying in their home with someone coming in from time to time to check on them. NO idea why they want to off people I guess you can think of it as. Even my grandpa died in my mom's house under her 'care'. He found out in enough time to get rid of testy cancer but did nothing. Not sure if he was that sad over my grandma dying no idea, that's all I know. But my great grandma was an awesome woman. She was the only person who acccepted me for me and never judged me in anyway. LOL I was the only person she recognized too when she was dying haha. No one else at all. I even got yelled at for helping her go toilet because she could of fell cause I was 9yrs old at the time. But she had to go, what was I to do? Can't expect a child to worry about waiting for someone older to help. I still don't regret helping her or getting yelled at. Glad I did them.

Meds and side effects make total sense of course.....

I'm glad LP was able to channel their life into their music. With Chester being sexually abused I think it helped their music be more perfect. And I wouldn't doubt his alcohol and drug struggles were channeled into their music. I think I read that Chester hated Breaking the Habit. But that is an amazing song. I saw the video they released the day he died. It was a bit eerie knowing what happened to the man. I know they helped so many people. I was shocked to learn how bad Chris had it with his mental health. I guess his wife said he took too many anxiety pills which caused his death she thinks. He must of been really messed up. I've been there multiple times and I know what it's like to be that deep in the dark. I think if it wasn't for my great grandma dying when I was 9 I might of killed myself a long time ago. I have a phobia of death and I know it's because of her. Sick that I got that good thing out of her leaving me. And I still think of her abandoning me when she died. Still pissed at her for it. >.> I'm a bit screwy.

That's sad how so many people can't get along with their own parents. Seems moms are the hardest at times to get along with except for my hubby. He's really close to his and she taught me so much about my own family. Just by watching her and his other family members interact. Which is why I kinda made a post on FB calling my mom out for her bs.

I swear some people are just either too stupid or stupid when it comes to others health or what have it.

And I'm the same way, I swallow the crap and explode but now nothing fazes me. I think it's because of my husband. I know I'm safe no matter what so nothing can hurt me anymore.

Thank you for everything you said. And you aren't alone with asking things non stop. That's my habit too and hubby says it's cause of my upbringing which it most likely is in my case.

... Dude stop killing people just because they are bad. I read about people stuck on a plane for 6hrs with no AC and there were kids on it. I guess they had to be rerouted cause of storms and couldn't fill up which is why there was no AC. There was a video showing people looking for who called 911 on them lol.

And an update on the bitch who had me. She kept on bugging me in emails on what I want her to appologize for so I told her a list of crap and she did what I told her she'd do. Blamed me, excused everything and again said in some form the sexual abuse I suffered didn't happen. I have the best mom on earth I know it. No need to be jealous LOL. So I told her in response to never contact me again I want nothing to do with her or those other Polacks and she emailed me couple more times trying to ask questions, "trying to understand" and I never answered them. She's blaming my abusive ex for this saying the control is still there, funny thing is, she can't still figure out that it's me standing up for myself and not being in the mood to be told every single vivid memory in their head was made up... I'm not that good at lying since I smile even for little stupid joke lies so there's no way I can make all that crap up. But oh well I don't even care. Not my fault she's so damn stupid. IT would make things easier if she had mental disorders or something but the messed up thing is.. Is my mom is fully aware of everything and has nothing mentally wrong with her. Ugh. Oh well one less bs in my life and that's all that matters.

People need to heal somehow and I found getting the evil out of your life and anything connected to them including physical objects has helped me especially on it.

It's because people suck.

I just don't understand how people can say something never happened in anyway. Considering my cousin the only other girl in the family (her mother was adopted by my grandparents) was raped by her father and her half sister as a baby was raped as well. Everyone saved her and worked hard to protect her, but when it came to me, my mom was like nope never happened. I can understand not wanting to believe family can do such horrible things but for god sake, your own kid should come first too. >..>

A punching bag I heard is a great thing to have for people. I'd most likely break things (my bones) with one punch though lol.

Ya he's a drug dealer, but you are right doesn't excuse death. Some people just don't really care about anything.

And with this being our only life if it is. The religious people who go around saying this and this needs to die and the ones who off people... Thinking about that will break my brain because the logic won't be there for me to understand those two things together. Like how it even equals out.

And I always hated people saying suicuide is selfish. I've been told that multiple times. Yup great thing to say to someone who wants to die... So smart there people. Yup..... I don't see it as selfish in anyway. They want pain to end. But people just don't see that crap or care to either which makes it worse. It's sad that Autobot is right. People do suck. >.>